Speed dating excerpt
Wrong. Ten unforgivable minutes later, I’m sitting at a small cocktail table with Mr. Number 24, aka: Dave.
“I enjoy the outdoors, camping and I love hiking especially in the winter.”
“Wait,” I look at Dave, trying really hard not to give him my ‘what the hell look'. “You like hiking in the winter? Hiking in the mountains? With snow on the ground?”
“Well, yeah, you can backpack in with cross-country skis and then ski out.”
Um—no way, I barley tolerate the winter in the city. Next.
Number 15: “I’m big into games.”
Me: “Oh video games?’
Number 15: “Oh no. I spend my week nights playing Magic the Gathering and my weekends playing Dungeons and Dragons. It’s not hard, I’ll teach you how to play so we will be able to hang out all the time.”
My jaw drops open. Uh—I don’t want to hang out with you now.
Number 19: “I have a chicken farm.”
Uh—yeah because that’s just what I see myself doing; running around trying to catch chickens to behead pluck and eat. No thank you.
Number 8: “I’m just waiting for my latest invention to take off. It’s a toilet paper holder that is also an MP3 player.”
I don’t think so.
Number 13: “You’re very pretty. My mom says in order to get a girlfriend and move out of her basement, I should give compliments to women. Even if it’s not the whole truth.”
This takes me back and before I can think, it just pops out of my mouth. “Even if it’s not the whole truth? So you lied to me?
He tilts his head squinting at me. “Well I didn’t really lie, you’re kind of pretty, in the right light.”
Thanks for the insult buddy. No. Thank. You.
Number 2, not a chance.
Number 10, I’d rather eat glass.
Number 18, when hell freezes over.
Number 14, are you sure you’re from planet Earth?
Number 5, is that a mole or his third eye?
Number 22 who I have pleasantly dubbed Herb because he likes plants and herbs. I know this because he has brought his pet rhododendron that he has named ‘Ronnie.’
“Would you like to pet her?” he asks, sticking the plant in my face.
“I—uh sure, thanks.” I gingerly pet one of the plants leaves twice. “There you go, Ronnie.”
“Ronnie thinks you are very pretty.”
“Well thank you.” Please let the bell ding, please let the bell ding.”
Ding, ding. I blow out a breath of relief “It was nice to meet you Herb.” Shit. “I mean Levi, and it was nice to meet your plant—err—pet. Ronnie.” Sheesh, I lay my head on the table. Please God, let this night be over, I just can’t take one more…